I’m mentally free.
My brain has been locked in a whirl for months, eyes have been popping, brain has been twitching, thoughts racing. now calm. I can look out of the window, write and type without
How amazing to find mental peace with yourself, in general. My drug induced psychosis is one thing but knowing how hard it is for people to not have any relief just because that’s how they are is awful, the brain is a weird and wonderful thing. Its so nice to think, process and make sense of the world.
Today they gave me back my brain and body, the NHS doctors that is. Thank you sir, no more pump, no more fry. I imagine its how it was in the mental homes back in the Victorian times, giving the insane whatever to keep calm and numb.
Its weird, because I feel jittery like my heart doesn’t know what to do with itself, it beats like a drum, 109 bpm I’m told, but I can’t really feel it because I am free.
The feed tube is out of my nose. The 15 hour feed bags of lovely Nutricia soya are no longer hanging over me like a bat in the night. hurrah. I have no more hook ups, infusions or intravenous lines. I can eat. I can blow my nose. I can bend and wash my face. My feet are no longer swollen, my legs are thin and malnourished, but I can eat. I can walk to the bathroom without dragging 3kg of machine in both arms, wires, battery, pole and wheels getting tangled or caught on the door handle, stuck in the bathroom gripped floor or wrapped round my waist like something from Avatar. Constant reminder that the pump wire has air, or battery is low, someone has borrowed the plug or infusion has paused. Beep Bop, Beep Bop. Ugh. Please.
I am free. 19 hour infusions whilst stuck in the same top until it finishes no more. NHS standard surgery stockings for swollen legs which cut into my toes, no more. Trying to cover cannulas with plastic aprons to shower, no more. I’m free. Have you ever tried to brush your teeth or wash your hands in a disabled sink 23 weeks pregnant, it comes to my hip, with back spasm like mine? I now reach the tap, and bend. hurrah.
I put on my Nikes for the first time in 6 weeks. and run. (well)
The bench and my rucksack of life, where I blog.