The familiar sound of the constant beeping. The drip lines that are either blocked , stopped working or are on low battery have come back to haunt me as soon as I walk in. God how I do not miss these drip machines … being hooked up to one is enough, let alone sat in a bay of eight patients with them all going off. I could tell you every make and model of machine and how they work .. looking at the positive at least if the career fails I can always go into drip machine maintenance.
I’m usually quite hardened to this environment , sick patients, wires and beeping .. It’s more familiar than normal life lately. I’ve been waiting for infusion for the past week, waiting for a bed to no avail so glad I’m here and can finally get it over with. The last infusion pregnant, next one will be after my Caesarean and at least she will be here and I will feel better about receiving drugs.
There is something about today’s trip to the hospital that makes me a little teary and vulnerable… not normally like me I’m good at just getting on with it. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that I’m 7 months pregnant and I don’t want to be here, or the fact that I’m sat in a cancer clinic that makes me a little sad. All these people are being pumped with toxic stuff to save their lives is a stark reminder that life really sucks for some .. and I have no choice, I don’t want to go back eight weeks ago, to living hell but I also don’t want my baby having the stuff either .. she doesn’t get a choice and it’s not fair. I guess we both don’t.
So admittedly I’m a bit sad today, sad because I can’t be bothered to be strong and sad because I’m reminded of the rubbish situation I find myself in. Think it’s easier when you are really sick and out of it because you don’t really comprehend what you go through. This drug is saving my life but also has made me well enough now to feel very aware of what’s going on. I want to be allowed to self indulge in feeling a little sorry for myself and my little girl. If only they had blankets, today I would put it over my head and shut it all out.
So as they hook me up this morning I need to find distraction now for the next three hours. The first hour is the worst.. makes me feel all weird and paranoid, like will I have a reaction, will baby keep moving just to let me know she is okay.. please keep moving little one. Today I forgive you for putting your foot in my ribs.. today it’s not annoying, today it’s reassurance.
I have a tuna sandwich, two films downloaded and a magazine .. That should do it. If all else fails the guy opposite me is sat between two prison guards chatting on about prison life, handcuffed to the chair receiving his treatment. Jeez I feel like I have no freedom sometimes, wonder how he must feel , what a situation to be in.