The infusion clinic

The familiar sound of the constant beeping. The drip lines that are either blocked , stopped working or are on low battery have come back to haunt me as soon as I walk in. God how I do not miss these drip machines … being hooked up to one is enough, let alone sat in a bay of eight patients with them all going off. I could tell you every make and model of machine and how they work .. looking at the positive at least if the career fails I can always go into drip machine maintenance. 
I’m usually quite hardened to this environment , sick patients, wires and beeping .. It’s more familiar than normal life lately. I’ve been waiting for infusion for the past week, waiting for a bed to no avail so glad I’m here and can finally get it over with. The last infusion pregnant, next one will be after my Caesarean and at least she will be here and I will feel better about receiving drugs. 
There is something about today’s trip to the hospital that makes me a little teary and vulnerable… not normally like me I’m good at just getting on with it. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that I’m 7 months pregnant and I don’t want to be here, or the fact that I’m sat in a cancer clinic that makes me a little sad. All these people are being pumped with toxic stuff to save their lives is a stark reminder that life really sucks for some .. and I have no choice, I don’t want to go back eight weeks ago, to living hell but I also don’t want my baby having the stuff either .. she doesn’t get a choice and it’s not fair. I guess we both don’t. 

So admittedly I’m a bit sad today, sad because I can’t be bothered to be strong and sad because I’m reminded of the rubbish situation I find myself in. Think it’s easier when you are really sick and out of it because you don’t really comprehend what you go through. This drug is saving my life but also has made me well enough now to feel very aware of what’s going on. I want to be allowed to self indulge in feeling a little sorry for myself and my little girl. If only they had blankets, today I would put it over my head and shut it all out. 
So as they hook me up this morning I need to find distraction now for the next three hours. The first hour is the worst.. makes me feel all weird and paranoid, like will I have a reaction, will baby keep moving just to let me know she is okay.. please keep moving little one. Today I forgive you for putting your foot in my ribs.. today it’s not annoying, today it’s reassurance. 
I have a tuna sandwich, two films downloaded and a magazine .. That should do it. If all else fails the guy opposite me is sat between two prison guards chatting on about prison life, handcuffed to the chair receiving his treatment. Jeez I feel like I have no freedom sometimes, wonder how he must feel , what a situation to be in. 

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About crohnsmamashttps://crohnsmamascouk.wordpress.comMom blogger with Crohns Disease, the more active the crohns the more active the blog ! :)

4 thoughts on “The infusion clinic

  1. Dally. Following you from Huelva, on my hols. Hope the infusion went well. No one would blame you for a little indulgence and feeling low. You are something of a
    Supermum but even so , you can allow yourself a bit of a wallow now and again. I believe self pity can be healthy at times and in a funny way can make you feel better about your situation. So don’t best yourself up, have a strop or just mope for a couple of hours. You’ll bounce back because that’s what you do and that’s who you are and everyone loves you for it. Not long now and you will have your darling baby in your arms. Hope to see you soon.
    Jackie B xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jackie .. Im so glad you approve ! I just need to wallow this week .. And the more people that approve the better I feel 🙂 hehe …
      Have an amazing holiday , I’d give my right arm for a bit of sun. All my love to the family.. See you soon xxx
      Ps. The paella was awesome !

      Like

  2. Are you on Remicade? I’m so sorry to hear. That’s the next step for me too, Humira failed me. I hope you start to feel better and that Baby is okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes .. Third infusion 🙂 .. Humira lasted 3 years then it just started to not work.. 😦 remicade feels the same though.. Amazing how quickly I start to feel better 🙂 Thanks for your message, good luck :)!

      Liked by 1 person

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