Well thanks to Ewan the sheep and his dulcet white noise sounds such as heart beat and the trusty vacuum cleaner I am able to contently get some shut eye. Well that, and the fact Daddy is amazing at night feeds and nappy changing (whilst watching the Olympics , he has very precise process flows set up for every procedure I dare not intervene) we seem to be the lucky ones that (for now) have a very content tiny baby, who loves nothing more than chugging on her milk before another three hours of uninterrupted kip.
This week has been crazy. I feel like I have forgotten a lot of it already, I don’t want to forget anything so I have to keep asking Matt to repeat everything that happened in steps. I haven’t cried, or should say I have struggled to cry from the moment she was born. It’s been like there have been too many emotions stuck in me coupled with shock, euphoria and sleep deprivation that I don’t think I have known what to do.
Until tonight. Tonight I cried, a lot and for no reason. I looked at her little face looking up at me along with pictures of the week just past and the flood gates opened, the picture of her and grandpa particularly sent me into a state, I couldn’t console myself. Happy tears yes, but tears of sudden realisation that we made it, relatively unharmed , she is perfect. It also made me think how so precious life is and now I can just only begin to understand the love you have for your little baby, the love your parents have you for is just too much. Made me cry to think all the worry I must put my family through but they never show worry back, just strong faces of support, never far away. (Insert more tears here)
So with the crying done, for now. I feel a little bit more relived, like that needed to happen so I can start coming down again. Not that I have to come down off cloud 9, but I I think my wired little head needs a break let alone my post partum body, that at the moment still feels very ravaged!
I have had ringing in my ears for days, I’m not sure why, maybe something to do with the morphine and codeine or that I had to have two spinal blocks in theatre but it would be nice for it to leave me in peace now. Seriously I think the anaesthetist would have had an easier job sedating a horse than me. The C section was effective but my word, it’s really a very clinical brutal process isn’t it ? I feel like pre op nerves have ruined me more than actually having a new baby, I didn’t sleep for days before and when I rolled up Wednesday morning for the slice and dice I was so scared I literally had to shut off every single emotion in my body and stay in the zone, otherwise I was definitely going to self combust either way.
I was so thankful I was first on the list. I don’t think I could have waited any longer that morning. After signing my life away for the third time, talking about pain relief , what could go wrong and the casual consent for emergency bowel surgery or a stoma done and dusted there was no going back! Although, to the man who was eating chocolate hob nobs and drinking tea in the bay opposite, thanks , that was like torture, nil by mouth and all I wanted was your chocolate biscuits. I hope you get fat!
The woman in the bay next to me was freaking out (in between her three essential fag breaks pre c section) and demanded she was moved to first on the list. I listened in admittedly quite smug when the team went in to speak with her to explain that their priority was a lady having potential bowel surgery this morning and there was no need for her to medically be prioritised so she would have to wait. (Ha ha, woman, have that. I deserve VIP queue jump, I’ve done the hospital time, you haven’t!)
The walk to theatre accompanied by midwife and team was surreal. I don’t think I can put into words how scared I was. Poor Matt, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to just spectate. The anaesthetists were awesome, until 30 minutes into the spinal block attempt they realised I could still kick my legs like an Olympic swimmer it was maybe time for round two of the needle in my back.
The feeling of trust you give these guys is with your life and at the moment you are not NUMB and the surgical team are waiting to come in and scrub up was probably my lowest point. Your worst fears rolled into one, surgery alive because they forgot to numb you. Good job round two knocked me out like a good’un. That’s when this metal rod went up to hold the screen and the fun began…. (Yes I did clearly have the best sense of humour as they were about to slice me up when I asked if they had any family kebabs to hang from the metal rod instead of surgical sheets. Obviously with food on the brain a family naan would have been more appealing that a green plastic sheet covering my lower half!) maybe a recommendation for the future?
It was over in a flash, before you knew it I heard wails of new baby cry .. Followed by ‘she is here, a wee dot at 4lb 8oz’ , and that was it I was gone… I can hardly remember a thing. (Oh only that the radio was playing ‘Flo Rida, Low’ … What a tune to be born too?! Really?! )
I didn’t feel a lot physically but know what I overwhelmingly felt mentally, I felt relief spread through me, I didn’t care whatever they were going to tell me was wrong she was here and I didn’t have to carry the massive responsibility of her little life on my own anymore.
They took her away, with Matt and for what felt like hours they cleaned me up. I asked about my bowel and they didn’t touch it, they left the manky thing there to continue being it’s annoying self and to live another day. The scar tissue was minimal so I had a nice straightforward incision and section. Music to my ears ! (I did have to remind the team I was still behind the curtain and one point when the surgeon seemed to waffle on about doing someone’s full hysterectomy, slight panic I did interrupt and check it wasn’t mine they were talking about). But all in all I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.
Then I hit recovery room, got handed baby, and a plate of tea and toast. The best tea and toast the NHS could have offered me. Yummy. That first hour was the most surreal magical moment of my life. She was here, I was safe, she was safe, we have a normal healthy baby. Small but perfect… I still don’t believe it.